This Games Not Worth 1000 Hours Steam Review

A lot of the time, here in the gaming world, reviews are taken a fiddling too seriously. Video game journalists sit by their keyboards at night, trembling, as a great epiphany comes to them. A higher truth. They are then able to burn down sweetness, sweet, precious paragraphs of pure truth at united states regarding the game in question. Or so some gamers seem to recollect.

Poor reviews can cease careers, positive ones tin can pave the style for a multimillion-dollar franchise. Metacritic and the similar are powerful tools indeed. It'due south a footling frightening at times how much sway these sorts of things tin can have on us. How many times accept decease threats and/or generations-long family curses been sent to reviewers who slagged off somebody's favourite franchise? Likewise many, that's how many. Remember the whole 7/10 too much water controversy around Pokémon Omega Carmine and Blastoff Sapphire? Madness.

Players' own reviews are another matter entirely. If you wade knee-deep into the crap pool that is Amazon's user reviews, say, y'all'll have to take everything yous read with a pinch of common salt. Some people are trying to provide honest, in-depth accounts of their items, sure, only others are just bitching and leaving one-star production reviews because the UPS guy delivered their package damaged. Others, meanwhile, are just having a express mirth.

Steam user reviews are legendary for this. They're such a hotbed of snarky piss-takery that they've had to add a '(insert number) people plant this funny' function to their review feedback. It'south a real goldmine, as our collection of 15 Hilarious Steam Reviews That Make Absolutely No Sense will show.

15 Rocket League

"If this game was a fork it be a nifty fork"

At that place are hidden layers of depth to this ane, I know information technology. This is some profound stuff, right here. If you're the sort of guy/gal who can spend hours in art galleries oohing and ahhhing over a painting of a large carmine dot, seeing all manner of subconscious meanings that are lost on the residue of us mere mortals, maybe y'all can explain this one to us.

What is 'fork?' How does 1 get fork? Will this, in future generations, become the standard by which all greatness in video games is measured? I couldn't maybe tell you, because I've got no freaking idea what's going on here. All I know is that you are either fork, or you lot are non fork. Rocket League, the game in question here, seems to have the potential to become fork.

14 Counter-Strike

"no achievement"

The first thing to mention hither is that, at the time of leaving the review, this Steam user had 993 hours of Counter-Strike gameplay registered. But shy of i thousand hours is —whichever way you lot slice it— a whole holy hell of a lot of gameplay correct in that location. It's quite rare for a game to become that corporeality of dear. As such, yous'd think there'd exist no end to the Counter-Strike insight this guy would take to offer.

In the land of Steam reviews, nonetheless, all of that boils down to a simple two-word bi**h about something entirely impossible and ridiculous. Why doesn't this seventeen-yr-old game take Achievements? WHY? This injustice shall not go unanswered. Catch your torch and pitchfork, and off we go to protest outside the devs' HQ.

thirteen The Witness

"So basically Serpent with good graphics

EDIT: OK, I've played some more (half hour more) and the game keeps the same. Same puzles with lilliputian non-interesting twists, same mechanic. Yup"

Thekla Inc'due south The Witness was one of last year's surprise sleeper hits. This first-person puzzler had been languishing in development hell since 2009 and had its release delayed a further 3 years in 2013. When information technology finally arrived, though, it received critical acclamation.

Well, more than or less. Every bit we know, it'south impossible to please everyone, particularly when we're talking well-nigh a group every bit volatile as gamers can be. Still, though, props to this reviewer for giving The Witness a thorough playtesting before delivering his/her verdict. With a whole couple of minutes of play logged, this was his/her review. They reappeared with an edit after some other half an 60 minutes's play to assure us that, yes, The Witness is indeed Snake with skilful graphics. The game has a little more depth than that, but hell, points for succinctness.

12 Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

"Game tought me to spend 400 USD in digital products and then weep about what the f*** I just did

Serious Review Below...

SERIOUS REVIEWF*** Matchmaking."

I feel your pain, Steam friend, I really do. The microtransactions culture rife in video games right now has claimed millions of victims. If you've ever felt buyer's remorse as you forked over a premium for a fancy-donkey Street Fighter costume or Telephone call of Duty weapon skin, you'll know exactly the feeling. Yes, I needed Vega in that fancy accommodate with the flowery chapeau, simply was it a great purchase? Information technology wasn't.

What I like nigh this Counter-Strike: Global Offensive review is that while the writer lays down his personal gripe for us, he withal keeps it separate. The main trunk of the SERIOUS REVIEW is where it's actually at, and that crucial affair is given the attention it deserves. Heart stage: Global Offensive'south shonky matchmaking.

11 DayZ

"A starving naked man made me beat him to expiry with a crowbar. 10/ten"

When it comes to Steam reviews, the sandbox, create-your-own-run a risk type games are often the best fodder. Think Phoebe from Friends, and her horrifying tales of catching hepatitis when a pimp spat in her mouth? Information technology's the matter-of-fact way these stories are told that makes them great. Here, for instance, we come across one of Steam user DeathWish'south DayZ experiences laid bare.

At present, if you're familiar with the popular survival title, you'll know that this doesn't really sound like anything special. That'due south more than of an boilerplate afternoon down DayZ manner. In my eyes, the selling point for this one is that chirapsia a starving naked man to death with a crowbar is what earned the game its perfect 10/x rating. I don't think I've ever heard of the grading organization DeathWish is using for his reviews, but it seems quite legit to me.

10 Mount And Blade: Warband

"Do Non UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES Buy THIS GAME. Seriously, look how many hours I've played: Over a thousand.

People brand fun of MMO players considering they spend and then much time working for imaginary goals, merely at least they're hanging out with friends and collaborating. I've simply been sitting hither alone in my underwear in the dark. FOR one thousand HOURS.

I used to be like yous. I had friends and family, hobbies and interests. I used to cook for myself and make clean my flat once in a while. I used to havefirm plants for god'southward sake!

I thought becoming king would take a week or two of gaming sessions at about. I WAS WRONG. Delight, if there'due south anything you lot value in life, don't buy this game."

A lot of today's comedians are completely reliant on observational humour and social satire. This stuff is and then popular, and so constructive, mainly because it's relatable. If you had Kanye Westward up in that location on stage, making jokes about how difficult it can be to keep your solid gilded helicopter collection clean (oh wait, we practise, it's called rap), that wouldn't be funny at all for us regular humans.

Much similar Counter-Strike: Global Offensive Guy's regret over his microtransaction binging earlier, we all know this feeling. You get a little too engrossed in a game, and then suddenly notice that two weeks accept passed, your eyes are crying tears of blood, and your rectum has prolapsed because y'all haven't taken a suspension to go to the bathroom in eighteen days. Mount and Blade: Warband is a unsafe, dangerous game, and you must non buy it. Especially if you have house plants.

9 Duke Nukem Forever

"PROTIP: At the outset of the game, it is possible to make Duke crouch down in his ain jacuzzi and hold his caput underwater until he drowns.

This is the good ending because information technology means that you don't have to play the remainder of Duke Nukem Forever."

Now, I'g sure many of you lot are familiar with a little affair called Knuckles Nukem Forever. You lot probably know that the damn game was stuck somewhere down Satan's u-curve in development hell for years. You lot'll definitely know that, when it did arrive, it sucked harder than the combined sucktastic of a Dyson manufactory.

Long-time Duke fans, understandably, weren't amused by the whole situation. The game continues to have both barrels of snark, and is generally regarded as ane of the worst releases of recent years. As such, mocking it is similar shooting fish in a barrel, then you've got to be a little creative if you lot want to stand out.

My pick for a height Steam Review, then, is Tehpogo'southward. This is probably the all-time and well-nigh applied pro tip in the history of pro tips.

8 The Sims 3

"Had 12 kids with 8 unlike women, became president, then died when I tried cooking spaghetti. 10/10"

Steam user Ya Boi Daquan knows The Sims. He knows that the original life sim is all about possibilities, about inspiring and elevating your lil' Sims, nurturing them to be the best damn sims they can exist. It's likewise nigh how many damn times y'all can fit the discussion 'sim' into a single paragraph.

It's some other example of that sort of gratis-course, anything-goes gameplay that lends itself and then well to quick, pithy reviews. Steam reviews, every bit nosotros've established, are more well-nigh playing for social media likes, shares and laughs than actually reviewing. The (stupid affair that happened in the game) 10/10 thing is a meme in its own right now, and I practice love this one. That's pretty much the boilerplate life story of a sim, right there.

7 Counter-Strike: Global Offensive (Again)

Counter-Strike Global Offensive 2 — Via: backgrounds4k.net

">be at school>accept headphones in>headphones come unplugged>whole class panics as a hail of gunfire is head followed by the bulletin that the flop has been planted>suspended for a week>was totally worth it"

I'm not sure what it is most Counter-Strike and Steam mock-tastic, just whenever the 2 mix, they make beautiful music together. Here we are again with Global Offensive, this fourth dimension checking out the in-depth assay of Steam user Murphy (or Potato 0-0 (noot), to use their full proper name).

Bizarro Globe stories of things that happened within said game, as we've seen, are perfect fodder for these reviews. This time, though, nosotros've got a curveball on our easily. It's an unfortunate and completely ridiculous story that actually happened in real life. Heed potato'south lesson, friends.

This ane gave me a damn adept laugh, but I exercise have to wonder. What more could Global Offensive washed to go itself that elusive perfect 11 score? If it had got them suspended for some other few days, would that have done information technology?

6 Telephone call of Duty: Ghosts

"Not enough ghosts, very misleading."

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm a elementary guy with uncomplicated tastes. I like my video games to get to the point, do exactly what they say on the tin, no messing around. If y'all're going to drop an overly-circuitous plot like a Dan Brown novel or a melodramatic Hungarian soap opera, I'thousand out. If you're going to phone call a game Call of Duty: Ghosts, you lot'd better have the damn common decency to put some ghosts in it.

Steam user One-time Gregg shares my pain. After an hour and a half of gameplay logged, he noticed that there was nary a ghost to be found, and, similar me, he was not amused about the whole situation. Get that game patched already, Activision. It's not about the ghosts, it'south most the lies.

5 Nighttime Souls 3

"why the ♥♥♥♥ are you looking at the reviews section ! get the ♥♥♥♥ing game and git gud yous casual ♥♥♥♥."

Equally I'm sure we've more than than established by now, nobody comes to Steam reviews for the insight. Nosotros don't actually expect anything that might, say, help us make an informed decision near whether or not the game in question might be for us. Who the hell needs that? Abroad with that sort of crazy talk.

As the Dark Souls franchise has a reputation for beingness ball-busting and pants-foulingly difficult, so its fans have a reputation for being a lilliputian elitist. And for howling and screeching like an orgasming orangutan if you lot heal yourself during a PvP fight. This review of the concluding entry in the trilogy is –probably—intended as satire, only you never quite know with this crowd. I know your type, Hellsing, and I'm watching you.

4 Bioshock

"mario the plumber gets into trouble yet again when he crashes into the body of water. you take to plumb stuff. i dont really know what happens afterwards that. i got scared."

Last fourth dimension I checked, Bioshock was an FPS set in the city of Rapture in the sixties. Information technology was the story of a dude called Jack, who plant his pitiful donkey stranded in Rapture when his plane crashed there. At that place are Footling Sisters, Big Daddies and a whole lot of drug-fond crazies called Splicers who wanted to murder your face up correct in the face.

Or and so I thought. Turns out, though, my knowledge of the series isn't upwardly to snuff at all. 2K's critically acclaimed plumb stuff 'em up really did star Mario (Jack? Who's he? Who the hell needs him?) after all. Thanks, Steam reviewer, for setting the story straight. Imagine my embarrassment. This is an example of another popular blazon of snarky Steam review, the joke synopsis, and I dig it.

iii Skyrim

"Who needs Grand Theft Automobile when you tin can steal a horse. 10/10""Fornicate with wenches, acquire gold.""x/10 like skyrim just with skyrim"

A little while dorsum, one of the Cyberspace's legions of image-editing jokesters mocked up some box fine art for Far Weep iii. They added the blurb like "Skyrim, but with guns!," so a glorious new meme was born.Yard Theft Auto was like Skyrim with cars, Mario was like Skyrim with goombas, Tomb Raider was similar Skyrim with British boobs... you lot see how it works.

The Internet took this snarky brawl and ran it to the end zone, as the Internet volition. Thing was, though, equally is usually the case with memes, it'due south a simple joke, and it gets tired pretty damn apace. Luckily, the genius jokers of Steam were on hand to refresh the whole thought, with the ultimate anti-joke. Skyrim-ception.

ii Kerbal Space Program

"if you love infinite, this game will go y'all in that location, first hand, and let you take your hand at designing space crafts (and planes), flying them, and of course, crashing them in big glorious explosions. yous will learn a lot about space, physics, orbital mechanics, aerodynamics, etc.. this really happens. I have two friends that are rocket scientists (1 does ion drive research, the other designs micro-satellities I work at a big academy! and afte.."

But for a moment, let's end snarking it up like the snarky snarksters of snark that we are. Sometimes, just occasionally, a Steam review will evangelize. Y'all'll laugh, y'all'll cry, information technology'll modify your life. You lot might fifty-fifty, against all possible odds, glean some insight to help yous make an informed purchasing decision.

Bank check out Slayer McGee'due south words on Kerbal Space Program, afterward 300 hours of gameplay. This sandbox-style space flight sim offers all kinds of intellectual and enjoyable experiences, and Slayer wants to be damn sure yous know about them all. That's quite a TL: DR they've got for us right there.

Just when you thought you might be able to develop just a sliver of faith in Steam's reviewers, though, NotHonkyTonk, the anti-Slayer, steams in and dashes your hopes.

ane DayZ (Over again)

"Force a human being to eat a rotten Banana and he died 10/10""Some guy made me swallow a rotten banana and I died."

To finish, we're cruising back over to the super-dangerous world of Day Z. Back in high school, I had a friend who presented me with the claiming, "there's basically nothing in your immediate vicinity that DOESN'T have the potential to kill y'all." I tried suggesting everything from a sheet of paper to a harmless wing, and he refuted all my ideas with increasingly gruesome and ridiculous means these things could, in fact, impale y'all. Why am I telling you this? Because the DayZ designers seem to have equally twisted imaginations as he did.

Where else in video games could you see this rotten assistant drama play out? Only with that magical combination of DayZ and Steam users is this sort of thing possible. Predator and prey, captured together in a beautiful dance of death. Like lionesses barrelling later on the antelope in a David Attenborough movie, only more regal.

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